What It Feels Like: Falling in Line

Ok, so I’m not the type to keep a roster, that’s not my style. I have a lifestyle that requires most of my attention, so adding a couple dudes who I’m just playing with has never been interesting to me. However… However :) I do every now and then get a few men that come around that can get my attention and receive the gift of my exchange (I started boxing recently, so I feel like I can talk my shit lol).

There was this guy, let’s call him Malik. I thought he was the one y’all. We both had frivolous lifestyles, and loved being each other's hype men…. But this man got comfortable too quickly, it pissed me off. At first, his assertiveness was cute. Ya know? He would call me unexpectedly just to run plans, always blushing when he spoke to me, really enjoyed being around…. So I thought… After a few dates, he came to my house and just started throwing his shit all around, and I’m sitting here stunned like “Excuse me? You’re not home. Can you not f*ck up my glass table?” Red Flag #1 Then he started getting competitive with me, he would get really silent when I shared my wins, like it bothered him. Now I know, those reactions had more to do with him than myself, but him feeling that comfortable to consistently dismiss what I got going on? Red Flag #2.

Now while dealing with him, there was another guy who came into the picture, let’s call him Andrew. We were speaking everyday, incredibly platonic. We just liked talking to each other and playing phone games. We never hung out but I ended up at an event he was working at. We really enjoyed each other's personalities, much to where he inevitably asked me out. Of Course I said yes. Y’all why does this man flake on me?! Red Flag #1! He did apologize and wanted to replan…. “Okay sounds good.”

So this is where it gets fun!

I’m at an event with my homegirl, right? Malik is there, walks up to me, hugs me, lowkey trying to show people we’re close enough to hug like the way he hugged me (there he go being comfortable). Then he goes with his boys, and I’m with my homegirl in our section… Andrew walks in. He’s alone, and he comes up to me and ends up hanging with me and my homegirl. I’m keeping it cute because the eyes are up at this point. Now this homegirl of mine was a fresh homegirl. This was our first time outside together, so she had no idea about any of these men. No one knew about each other. Andrew walks away to network and Malik walks up to me with his homeboy who was obviously feeling my homegirl. Those two gravitate to each other instantly, and I’m now talking with Malik. I’m about 2 drinks in, so I’m entertaining, flirting, blushing hard, and then BOOM… Andrew walks up to rejoin the section.

I’m physically RIGHT in the middle of both of these men now, my homegirl is across the section with Ol Dude.. I’m on my own…. But I am having too much fun! I wanted to see how far this could go. I wanted to see who I would choose, and the best part is the only person who knows what is going on is me!

So Andrew rejoins us, and my obvious ass only greets him. There’s this slight silence, they both look at me and then they introduce themselves to each other. I’m like “Wow b*tch, way to be smooth. They’re gonna know!” Tell me why these men go into a full blown conversation, about Lord knows what. All I know is that I’m in the middle. I can’t get on my phone for rescue because we’re so close, that if either of them looked down just to glance, they would know I’m finessing (It was quite literally a mission). They’re speaking and then Malik naturally starts getting extra close to me. He begins speaking in my ear, doing little jokes, making me laugh, making sure he was always touching me. Andrew… retreats, and solely makes his interests about Malik. (You read that correctly.) This man Malik is having a field day! Brothas ego has been stroked, he’s getting praise from the same man he got to stand down. It was actually very impressive to witness. By the end of the night Andrew didn’t even say bye to me. Don’t feel bad for him though, he still ended up asking me out again the following week, and FLAKING! (He used all his flags) Malik carried through the entire night. WINNER!

Malik was someone who was very similar to me, and that’s what irked the hell out of me. His ego, mindset, attitude, reflected my poor habits instantly. Our bad habits were too much alike, like we can’t both be this way. We clashed too much for both of our liking so we both just decided that platonic acknowledgment of each other would work best…. For a little bit. I tell you, these men always come back. However I can’t be with someone for the sake of being with someone, it’s such a draining experience.

I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ll frfr catch feelings quicker than I should. This is where my Red Flag pops in. If I find myself catching feelings I’ll force myself to back away, and lessen my attention. As I’m typing this, I find it so funny because there was a man who literally told me he had to back away because he liked me too much. I thought that was the stupidest shit I ever heard, but look at me… Doing the same damn thing SMH. This is where my training of understanding should kick in… On one hand I think we detach ourselves from connection because it separates us from our norm. On another hand, you’re just not the one babe.

Another reason I’m so firm with my boundaries with these men is because they really will just speak and treat you any kind of way if you let them. I believe at my big ass age, effective communication is a REQUIREMENT. Having an understanding of your emotions, REQUIREMENT. If you don’t know how to act, you gots to go baby!

Alexa, Play “Grave by Summer Walker”

Speak soon <3

-Malaiye