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What It Feels Like: Feeling Upgraded...

Updated: Feb 13, 2023

Throughout my life, I have always paid in mind how I could be a benefit for others. As someone who is very observant, I began to notice that the effort put towards benefiting everyone, took away from how I could benefit myself. I thought consistent giving would make me a good person, but it just gave the perception of one. The reality is, though I love to be in service to those who love me, because I didn't differentiate how to treat the different types of people in my life, the consistent giving made me resentful, burnt out. I didn't feel useful if I couldn't assist, and it felt as if others didn't find me quite useful anymore either.

That didn't sit right with me, but before I started handling people and their quick ability to take. I needed to check myself first.

"Why am I so upset that they are accepting my offered assistance?" "Can't they see pass my master deflection that I'm incredibly tired?" "Why can't I just say no?" "Why do I feel like this?" "What if I'm not there?" "Will they hate me?" "Be angry with me?" "Leave me?" "Do I care if they leave?" "Do they care if I leave?" "I'm fine alone, right?" All anxious thoughts of a superhero.

Turns out, I was in a drought of self. Very disconnected from everyday life, it felt as if things were just on auto pilot, I was just going. That can get dangerous, if not careful. I was so comfortable saving the day for others, but not for myself. The adult in me is able to be that sturdy foundation for others, but the unhealed child in me comes out in my moments of truth and vulnerability... and she, needs a little personal care. Truth is, the people meant to be in your life will be there. Not as your competitor but as your supporter. Helping yourself, choosing yourself isn't "leaving them behind". That would indicate they're in the same race as you.

The moment I took the risk of choosing myself, fulfillment began. I had already been engaging with my purpose, now I'm consciously making myself aware to live by it. The life that I live now are results from my choices. Some results are great, and some results are lessons. Results aren't the end goal though, they're the journey.

Many will question you. Many will find the need to prove to you who you are. Feel flattered. Show up for yourself, and never stop striving for growth. Why? Because you deserve it. You deserve life, You deserve love, You deserve all of your dreams. Perfection and Flaws can not exist without the other, meaning none of that shit matters. Choose yourself.

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