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What It Feels Like: Too Many First Dates

It is 2023, and I welcome myself back :)




I’ll start off with this. I can not STAND the beginning phase of meeting someone. If I could avoid it, I would (and I do, sorry not sorry). There’s something about those first few encounters within meeting someone that can be so nerve wrecking and such an… interesting game. Dating feels like one big ass game, and I stopped going to school because of recess. (iykyk)

There’s just so much holding on to potential, so many expectations held for people you don’t even know like that. And in reality how much do they really know you?


I was dating this one man, let’s call him “Jared”. I thought Jared was cool. He was cool. Had a career I think he was passionate about, a car, living on his own, told me he was single and that’s about all I cared to know for the moment. We met at an event, and there was an instant attraction. We were near each other the entire event, laughing, blushing, subtly (respectfully) fondling and playing with each other, you know, the cute things. By the end of the night, as he walked me to my car, we embraced each other, stared and took each other in. Then slowly, he grabs the small of my back, pulls me in, and in he goes for the kiss.


Sounds cute, doesn’t it? BUT the kiss was mid, didn't hit. No sparks, no control, lowkey it was a bit sloppy, and not the good kind. Red flag #1. There’s a certain feeling you get when you’re kissing someone you actually like, you never want to stop! And if you do, it’s just to embrace the beautiful being of them and their lovely lips. It’s a shared connection, that truly is a glorious experience. People if the kiss doesn't hit, nothing else will. SMH


However, me being young(er), and trying my hardest to not be judgmental, I decided to give this connection a chance. Obviously by telling this story, this person is far removed from my life ;). We hung out a few times, and through those times I learned the basics. What he did for work, his family life, hobbies, etc. Here comes Red Flag #2. We didn’t have anything in common y'all, my goodness we had no connection. Just holding on to the potential, hoping something will click between us during this night we’re only 45 mins in. We got to a point where the only thing either of us was interested in was being physical. Red Flag # 3. And Red Flag #4? Alexa, Play “Tragic by Jasmine Sulllivan”


I didn’t know how to admit at that moment what I’ve been looking for, was someone who was just as tired of the games, and genuinely wanted to get to know someone. Tbh, it may have been too complicated for me, at that time. I thought it was such a complicated task, ya know.. being honest with potential. I knew one thing though, I wasn’t repeating this again. I had stopped dating. The same experience kept repeating itself, and you know who the common denominator was? Me! It wasn’t that the men weren’t the problem, it was because I allowed men to be the problem. They didn’t actually have any power in my life, but I wanted them to? Is that a crime though? Fr? To want someone who can get your attention, and actually cherish it enough to keep it? You know what I realized though? You attract what you are. I attract emotionally unavailable men who're a bit inexperienced with companionship.

How do I change this repeated outcome? By changing my habits. By taking a chance to fall. I am in survivor mode with these men, and babyyyy… that’s enough! My first tactic with changing my ways, is to drop the guard. To stop having my defense up unnecessarily. I don’t need to wait for things to go bad anymore, and wait for someone to fuck up so I can dip. I don’t need to run away from my desires because I know what I desire is essential to what I want and need in life, community. It’s okay to want connection, to want to be understood, to want to be seen. We Deserve it, frfr. :)


And though people treat relationships like it’s the ultimate sin in this City of Angels. I am here to provide pure, and present conversations. I’ll be blogging my experiences, and the lives of those who surround me. Can be a friend, can be you, who knows?


What It Feels Like is a blog going through the ups and downs, the salvations and revelations, and the discoveries of everyday life. From discussing personal matters, to practice. This is a safe space where all of our curiosities and discoveries can be discussed. Can’t wait to share this space and grow with you!


Speak soon <3


-Malaiye




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