What It Feels Like: We Are Who We Are

It’s a cold and wet week in Los Angeles, and much like myself ;) My city is going through a stormy period.

There’s been a lot of debate on how much of myself I should give to the world. How much should I keep for me and mine, and how much should I keep just for me? It’s linear, more times than not I’ll go the wrong way, but best believe it brings me right. Something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I can be aggressive and rage full. I know the people in my life sometimes may think I have that layer underneath all of my kind, and gentle sweet self. However, it’s like a switch, that throughout the years I’ve gained great control over. I can control when I buck up and I can control when I shut up. It’s a proud strength I have. It’s saved me from messing up a lot of relationships.

But maybe… just maybe…. They needed to get messed up. Idk, it’s the nice factor for me. I’m actually sick of it. Not to confuse it with being of service for others, that I love. I’m talking about pleasing people. Making sure everyone around me is good, all the time. AT THE EXPENSE OF MYSELF. I will climb Mount Everest to get someone a cup of ice if I feel you deserve it. One thing I never want to feel is tired of being of service to people. If I’m going to do it, then I’ll do it and do it with no considerations or expectations. The thing I need to do is prepare for people’s reactions when I say no. Disappointing people used to make me cringe, but doing everything I can to not disappoint people gave them too much access to me. It also, without me realizing, muted my voice and my point of view.

I had a repeating pattern when it came to my friendships, I was always that friend who everyone vented to. Baby I had everyone’s tea, it’s so funny because at one point people hated it, but only because I became the point of their topics ( what’s new?) and people didn’t want their tea spilled (which I never did because their anxiety waiting for my reaction was honestly enough for me).This is where my red flag comes in, if I know you out here with ill intentions, imma let you do you, subtly let you know I see you, and observe every step. Ugh, It’s giving bystander, smh…

Now if you bring that over my way, that’s when I pull a you on you. It’s petty, I know.. but sometimes people just need to see themselves, and sometimes I just want to be that big ass mirror. Don’t worry though because y'all will gladly return the favor lol.

Most of the previous friends I had growing up were only interested in the bad things happening in my life, and were incredibly silent during the good. I’ve always had my dreams, and I started actively making my dreams, goals. But then, friends became naysayers, everyone had all the experience but none of the advice, everyone had all the discipline but none of the results, everyone knew what to do, but knowing vs. doing has a distance that’s further than many think. I knew what I needed to do, but it wasn’t until I started actively moving towards my goals that I noticed how my movement distanced myself from everyone. I became very lonely, and to this day still experience frequent moments of loneliness. These moments of loneliness began to reside in every space I was in, home, work, studies, relationships. I felt alone everywhere I went. Sometimes I feel like I won’t have my tribe till I build it from scratch, but that’s just one of my liabilities speaking. I’m so used to figuring out everything alone, that my body lowkey (highkey) rejects the communities around me. It’s my PTSD (I’m still debating how much of myself I’ll share so be gentle with me).

There’s people in my life who see me and genuinely want the best for me, they are so excited when I win, and they’re proud to be in my corner. They inspire me to love, and to keep going. Those people have seen my craziest days, and loved me just as they would love me on my most glorious days. They’re my fuel, because as much as I think I do a lot on my own, I wouldn’t be able to do most of what I do without them. Which is why saying no is so important to me. It’s not about being someone’s resistance, it’s my starting step to expressing my voice and point of view again. I don’t need to worry about someone’s disappointment because I have a group of people who will remind me I’m that b*tch whenever needed. I don’t need to be afraid of asking for that reminder. I don’t need to be afraid of this life force I’m gratefully blessed with.

I am who I am, and respectfully anyone can take it or leave it.

Now if I can extend this grace to myself, it’s essential I extend this grace to others. I’m learning to embrace people for all that they are, despite my level of importance in their lives. You never know what’s up with someone, and it’s important to not let their reflection and projections dictate your behavior. I’m learning to meet people where they are at. Thankfully most of the people I’m around, I need to catch up with in one way or another, but I try to avoid going back. Damage can be done when you go backwards, letting people catch up to you is more beneficial.

So cheers everyone. Take a breath to celebrate and love where you’re at.

Alexa Play, Ready Is Always Too Late by Sinead Harnett

Speak Soon <3

-Malaiye